How to Deal With Losing a Friend

Photo credit @ericgilkes on Unsplash

I lost a friend recently and this time, it was my fault. 

I took responsibility and explained why I did what I did but none of it mattered. My former friend blocked me on Facebook and Instagram and left my Meetup group. Ouch. 

Given my history with this person, however, I actually wasn't all that sad. You see, this wasn't the first time our friendship ended—she ghosted me a few years ago without any reason and then out of the blue reached out to me just as I was getting ready to move into my apartment. She apologized for dropping contact but didn't provide an explanation why. No matter—we picked up like nothing had happened. 

Everything was fine for a couple of years but recently I felt like she wasn't in touch as much and wasn't reciprocal with invites to get together and do things. Kind of the same thing that had happened was happening again. She had other friends she was spending time with and it made me feel resentful and jealous. I felt like I had been regulated to back-up status. 

So I posted a bunch of memes to Facebook about being a back-up friend which I realize came across as passive aggressive. My post was accompanied by the words, "Lesson learned...when someone shows you how they are the first time, believe them." She saw the post and unfriended me. Considering she never acknowledged a single thing I posted to Facebook, I was actually surprised she saw it. 

I did what I did because I was hurt. I think a lot of it can be traced back to being bullied and having my junior high friends abandon me once we entered high school (which turned out to be the best thing. I ended up clicking with an amazing group of girls, many of whom I'm connected to on Facebook today.)

Considering she was pulling away and wasn't in touch as much, the absence doesn't bother me as much as it did the first time in happened. But...do I regret approaching what was bothering me in the way that I did? Yeah, absolutely. 

OK, enough venting. My point is, losing a friend can be painful. Especially as it seems to get harder to meet quality people and make good friends when you're in your 50s versus your 20s. 

Maybe you've found yourself in the same boat and have lost a friend, too. There are quite a few things you can do to ease the pain. Here are some tips on how to deal with losing a friend. 

Learn the Lesson So You Don't Repeat It

There's a saying that we repeat our mistakes until the lesson is learned. But hopefully after the first mistake you won't make it again. In my case I had way too high expectations and was hoping she would be my bestie and devote most of her time to me when it was obvious she didn't feel the same way back towards me. In the future, I won't be so possessive and if the friendship is meant to be strong, it will develop that way without me trying to force it into that shape. 

Grieve the Loss - And Vent to Another Friend About It

(See long winded introduction above.) A relationship is a relationship, whether it's a romantic one or a friendship and for many people, the loss feels the same. You will be sad and should allow yourself to grieve. It also helps if you have someone in your life that is non-judgmental that you can vent to. Getting it all off your chest can really be the first step towards feeling better about the situation. 

Forgive the Other Person - And Yourself 

"You're only human; you're supposed to make mistakes," as Billy Joel sings. You should absolutely give yourself time to grieve, but there's no sense beating yourself up over what happened and what you could have done differently. Forgive yourself, the other person, and know that better friendships are on the way. 

Decide What You Really Want From a Friendship

Now is a good time to reflect on what you really want from a friendship so you can manifest it better next time around. Maybe even take the time to write out the qualities in a friend that matter most to you. Do you want to spend time with someone who is active and loves the outdoors, or is shopping and going out to eat more your bag? 

How about the way they like to communicate with other people? Is texting all the time OK, or would you like to have a phone conversation with them once in a while? Sometimes getting more specific helps draw more like minded people into your life. 

Know That Something Better is On the Way

I very often feel that when someone is not matching what you truly desire and deserve, the universe will kick them to the curb for you—sometimes very swiftly. I've learned to accept it because I know it's creating space for a new and better experience to come into my life. 

Not everyone is meant to be in your life long-term. Sometimes they come along to help you grow, and I have to believe that was true for me here in this particular friendship. 

Focus on Yourself

Take care of yourself and use the extra free time to focus on hobbies and self improvement. It will keep your thoughts focused on something positive and productive, and you'll have more to talk about when you meet new people. And speaking of which...

Get Out There Meet New People

When you're up to it, it's time to get back on that horse. Keep putting yourself out there, be open, and know that the right friendships will develop naturally. (Post about how to meet new people coming soon!)

Above all, remember that you're hardly alone. Just about everyone has lost a friend at some point. The best thing you can do is not beat yourself up too much about it and keep moving forward.